Be yourself; Everyone else is already taken.
— Oscar Wilde.
This is the first post on my new blog. I’m just getting this new blog going, so stay tuned for more. Subscribe below to get notified when I post new updates.
Not a people person
Going back to work today after any days off is hard, the anxiety builds slowly as I have to go back and see what happens today. I’ve always said that I m not a people person…always, since I was little. I just don’t like people and I would rather be alone on any given day. But for some reason I chose I career where your entire day revolves around not just dealing with people but PLEASING those people.
Feeling like a monster
What I hate the most about this job is I feel like it’s turned me into a less caring person. A less passionate woman. An angrier woman. It’s a horrible feeling despising people who can not communicate to the world, and it is a horrible feeling despising the people mourning them slowly dying in front of them. It’s horrible and I feel horrible.
Holding a Grudge
I can’t let go of it. I can’t brush it off. I keep trying to forgive and forget but every time I look at your face I get angry all over again. Every time you talk to me, I feel the anger come back. Why can’t I let it go? I need to be happy for me, I don’t want to continue to let you poison me…
Resentment at its finest
You’ve been home now for a couple hours, the mood hasn’t changed, I can tell you don’t want me here. At least I know I don’t want to be. How do I escape?
I tell you I want to leave, nothing changes.
I tell you I hate you, nothing changes.
What exactly did you fall in love with?
I don’t think it was me. I don’t think you really know me..and the more you get to know me, I think the less you love me
It shows on your face.
It shows in your words.
I’ve always felt ignored..and I tell you this..I tell you I feel it from you.
What do you do? You get mad and just say, ‘I don’t ignore you!’
I just want some understanding, some true caring, a little bit of attention…all the things you claim to give but I don’t feel.
Is the problem me? Do I not feel anything?
Don’t try to bring me down, I’m trying to come back up
It’s easier said than done but I’m going to try to let things slide…let that chip brush off my shoulder…let that grudge go. Because why am I angry about something that everyone else has already forgotten about? Why am I upset and burdening myself? Sadly no ones going to give me an apology, they aren’t going to start acting any differently…let the bad times go and let these good feelings roll because I’m going to try my hardest to have a fresh start
It’s all too much sometimes
There’s too many of you, you all lurk around the house doing what you want when you want. Opening my doors, throwing your food on the floor, scratching my chair, licking my couch. The list goes on..
Every morning, I start it with you guys…I never wanted you but here you are. There’s three of you, just jumping around acting like you own the place. It starts at 4:15 every day, one of you needs to use the restroom, or one of you has opened the door I forgot to lock and now all of you are inside my bed taking up my space and waking me up with all the licks and scratches
I despise you…for making me keep them, for pushing me to want the things you want that I don’t. I can’t breathe anymore…and I’m not sure I want to
Not feeling like myself anymore..
I just feel numb…never felt so much emptiness. I’m numb to my residents sadness, my dogs and cats, even my husband.. I almost feel like I’m forcing a puzzle piece in that doesn’t belong..and I’m that piece. Why does it seem that everything around me is ruined? Not what I wanted? What is it that I want? I don’t think I want this…this horrible feeling of truly not caring. The only thing I can think of when sitting here next to you..my big fat belly is in the way, when the hell did I get this double chin? My big stupid fat thighs are getting sweaty again for some reason even tho my ass hasn’t moved in like an hour.
I guess being numb is better than hating yourself..I’d rather feel nothing than feel that.
Saturday was crazy…I think there’s a full moon
So my day starts out giving two people showers, one can help and the other doesn’t. Either way I’m washing their ass because I’m sure neither did properly. I’ve had to search all the other halls and gather some towels and washcloths because we had none. By the time I’ve lotioned up and dressed those two it’s time to hand out my halls breakfast trays. After passing them out and getting every single last thing everyone needs, like their 6 sugars and extra oatmeal’s and the cups of coffee! Oh my the cups of coffee these people drink!, I go to feed someone. Yes! I get to sit down and put this blended up food into someone’s teeth less mouth while they spit the chunks out at me. (No, I don’t have a baby! Old people do it too) When we pick up the last of the breakfast trays and go right back to it and have to get up my loud resident. Oh yeah, she’s a lot of fun…she can do a lot of things and chooses not to help, so I get the honor of washing her..under all the rolls. Not only does she not help, she tells me exactly how it should get done just ensure that even though I’ve helped her countless times and always get it right, that I do it the way I was going to do it.That’s the thing about working the same wing, with the same people, after so long you know their routines and how they like to do things. BUT no let’s take the time to tell me what I need to do the entire time I’m doing it! 👍🏻 after I push her into the lobby and she’s asked me to fetch her water, a banana and a cup of coffee before I go; I finally am free to move on to my next resident. This one just put her call light on and so I answered, she need to use the restroom so I might as well get her ready, right? Well I put her in her chair and start to wheel her over to her bathroom and her roommate starts yelling at me in Spanish! I don’t speak Spanish…so I listen for a second and try to see if I recognize maybe one word. And nope! This girl is on a rampage! So I ask my resident, who I’m toileting, what she is saying and she didn’t know! But all of a sudden the resident yelling gets up and starts walking towards me swinging her arms as if to shoo me away. So I just backed up and went into the room across the hall. To get this lady ready now I have to go and bring all of her stuff over to the other room and clean and change her up there. Move on to do my other two who I can never do anything right for, I memorize what they wanted last time for them to switch it on me and act like that never happened. It’s my last room!! Two more residents to go and I can go to lunch!… so I start on bed 1 and the resident is just solid, dead weight. Even though she’s very alert she can’t help and normally only says yes and no. She breaks my back but I don’t have time to go ask someone for help, and they definitely don’t have time to stop and me, so I do it. Move to bed 2, she’s a talker! And when I say talker…it’s nonstop conversations with herself that she will respond to. So I normally just nod and smile, she laughs and I get the job done. Today in all her jibber jabber, she decides to start calling me “a big girl….bigger girls like you….well I’m just skinny, not like you sweetie” …no my feelings aren’t hurt…yours are!!😭 so the entire time I’m cleaning the resident up, they are telling me this…brief change, in between brushing teeth and even when I’m doing her makeup! I finish just in time to be the first one out of the 3 of us to go to lunch…10:30am..next girl goes at 10:45…-and the last goes when I get back at 11..and somehow I end up alone on the wing for 40 mins! How does that happen..? I took a 30, nobody else takes a 30 minute long lunch? So my partners finally come back right before the residents lunch trays come..the trays are 15mins late like always and our nurse today insists on checking every single tray(even though I fix the trays after she checks them because they are still wrong and she won’t notice) and we finally start passing them out almost 25 mins late. I check my phone, and my husband texts me… “the dogs being too much for me rn” adding to list of things I can’t do anything about but have to listen to. Anyways, Thankfully it’s Saturday so a couple of the residents have gone LOA with family members or the family has come to visit and will feed them. Normally this is when I get to catch up on charting but not today! My coworker is trying to talk to me, and I’m still figuring out if she’s purposely rude or if she is just like that. She knows I’m trying to have a baby, so her weekly question…”so any baby yet? …oh no? I wonder what’s wrong” absolutely nothing but that is for your fucking concern! How inconsiderate to suggest that something could be wrong! Like go fuck yourself? You have no idea how I feel and what I’m thinking so please ladies keep your opinions to yourself about the baby making unless I ask! So in front of my other 2 coworker, one which IS pregnant, I’m embarrassed..
STAT PAGE! All the nurses and CNAs run to the wing and start cpr on one of the residents. Minutes later you hear the ambulance pulling up..the crash cart wasn’t properly stalked and sad to say the resident was a dnr. The resident didn’t make it. Not 10 mins later I hear a fire truck! Another resident in another wing was stuck in the bathroom! They had to break the door down so he could come out. Lunch trays are picked up and we are doing it all over again, I personally had 4 residents to toilet and put down for their afternoon naps (shit I could use one) and now I’m finally charting! But wait! I have a resident sitting next to me acting like like the 2 year old I don’t have! Playing 100 questions! And of course all the residents questions make sense to them! But I can only answer so many before I get caught up in a web of craziness that someone I created with my mmhmms and yess…counting down the minutes until I get to go and wash off this day and try to brush it all off…no I’m not a ‘big girl’..no there isn’t ‘something wrong’ with me..no you didn’t do a bad job, you tried your best and that’s what matters.
Introduce Yourself (Example Post)
This is an example post, originally published as part of Blogging University. Enroll in one of our ten programs, and start your blog right.
You’re going to publish a post today. Don’t worry about how your blog looks. Don’t worry if you haven’t given it a name yet, or you’re feeling overwhelmed. Just click the “New Post” button, and tell us why you’re here.
Why do this?
- Because it gives new readers context. What are you about? Why should they read your blog?
- Because it will help you focus you own ideas about your blog and what you’d like to do with it.
The post can be short or long, a personal intro to your life or a bloggy mission statement, a manifesto for the future or a simple outline of your the types of things you hope to publish.
To help you get started, here are a few questions:
- Why are you blogging publicly, rather than keeping a personal journal?
- What topics do you think you’ll write about?
- Who would you love to connect with via your blog?
- If you blog successfully throughout the next year, what would you hope to have accomplished?
You’re not locked into any of this; one of the wonderful things about blogs is how they constantly evolve as we learn, grow, and interact with one another — but it’s good to know where and why you started, and articulating your goals may just give you a few other post ideas.
Can’t think how to get started? Just write the first thing that pops into your head. Anne Lamott, author of a book on writing we love, says that you need to give yourself permission to write a “crappy first draft”. Anne makes a great point — just start writing, and worry about editing it later.
When you’re ready to publish, give your post three to five tags that describe your blog’s focus — writing, photography, fiction, parenting, food, cars, movies, sports, whatever. These tags will help others who care about your topics find you in the Reader. Make sure one of the tags is “zerotohero,” so other new bloggers can find you, too.
The life of a CNA.. 